Who is the real me? Balancing authenticity with fitting in

Show the Values in Action loneliness video - click here for video After watching the video, read for background:  We all feel lonely from time to time. And yet, we have reason to believe that today, people are experiencing loneliness and a sense of disconnection from others in unprecedented numbers. A 2021 report found that 40 percent of teens and young adults reported that they often or very often felt lonely or socially isolated. We typically associate loneliness with being alone – literally, the physical absence of other people. But how many of us have felt lonely when we are around others? If you have people around you, but aren’t able to share anything that truly matters to you with them, you may still find yourself lonely. Feelings of loneliness can also emerge when we are be holding back parts of ourselves to fit in with others. On the flip side, sometimes, when we are most ourselves – most authentic – we may find it difficult to fit in a group, increasing our loneliness. It can sometimes feel like a catch 22. Let’s explore this together. This next question requires vulnerability, and it’s more important that you contemplate it for yourself. You won’t be required to share it with the full group.

Let’s spend a few moments thinking about the value of authenticity. Ask two people to read these quotes about authenticity out loud:

• Authenticity can be understood as the extent that we show up fully as ourselves, and how true we are to our own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that we may be under to act otherwise.
• “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.” – Brene Brown

Ask for reflections on what people noticed. You can reflect back comments of participants, and summarize with the following: We are all on a journey of self-discovery, each of us trying to figure out what makes me “me.” When we are in search of community and want to fit in, how do we figure out which pieces of ourselves to amplify, filter or even leave behind? How we show up as our authentic selves is a set of choices. There are times we choose to only show parts of ourselves because of our deep desire to not be lonely and to be in community. There are other times when sharing more of ourselves would lead to greater connection. Being aware of and intentional about how we choose to show up in different spaces and with different people can help us negotiate our sense of loneliness.

Read for background:  When G-D created the world, after he created Adam – the very first human – he declared: “It is not good for the Human to be alone; I will make a fitting counterpart for him,” and then created Eve. Humans seek connection and relationships. Being alone can be hard and painful. We need community. Play the song “It is not good for human to be alone” (click here for song) and prompt group to close their eyes and think about a moment they felt very connected to someone else, or even to a full group. In the same story of Creation, the very first question G-D asked Adam after he sinned for the first time in the Garden of Eden by eating the forbidden fruit offered by the snake – was “Ayeka - where are you?” Rav Kook, the first Ashkenazi chief rabbi of Israel, offers a fascinating interpretation of this scene:

“The sin of the first human being, which estranged him from his true self, was that he turned to the advice of the snake, losing himself. He did not know how to clearly answer the question “Ayeka?” because he did not know himself. He lost touch with his soul, his true “I-ness”, his truest self... We must seek our inner selves. When we seek, we will find.”

Orot HaKodesh III, p.140 Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak HaCohen Kook

Let’s revisit the mapping exercise we did earlier and review what you wrote

• What are one or two parts of yourself that you typically conceal but are interested in bringing forward to others. Circle those. Commit to taking those pieces of yourself and finding a place for them in at least one other community. Where will you bring it and what do you hope to find?
• What are one or two parts of yourself you may feel more comfortable holding back in seeking community and combatting loneliness. Put a square around those. Commit to experimenting with holding back a bit and see how that feels and what it yields for you.

Read the following:  In this conversation we took an issue challenging all of us today – loneliness - and explored it through the value of authenticity. We examined the different ways loneliness can show up: being physically alone or being with others, not sharing parts of ourselves or even intentionally concealing parts we think may be rejected. Today’s conversation illuminated for us that we all have a desire to connect with others AND a yearning to be our most authentic and unique selves – two forces that sometimes conflict. In turn, we choose to hide parts of ourselves to fit in or reveal our fullest self and risk feeling lonely. We hope you now feel empowered to make intentional choices about how you show up in different spaces and with different people – as you connect with others in deep and meaningful ways.

Read the following: 

In this conversation we took an issue challenging all of us today – loneliness – and explored it through the value of authenticity. We examined the different ways loneliness can show up: being physically alone or being with others, not sharing parts of ourselves or even intentionally concealing parts we think may be rejected. Today’s conversation illuminated for us that we all have a desire to connect with others AND a yearning to be our most authentic and unique selves – two forces that sometimes conflict. In turn, we choose to hide parts of ourselves to fit in or reveal our fullest self and risk feeling lonely. We hope you now feel empowered to make intentional choices about how you show up in different spaces and with different people – as you connect with others in deep and meaningful ways.